Jeremiah and I can't seem to talk anymore. We just lash out. This is not good for amador. Not that I am needed much Jeremiah and Timothy have everything covered. But still..

I am to be asserting myself as Eldest.. But I do not think it will go well. We shall see how well I fare with no respect.

A ventrue approached me.. Lance. He is looking for love, friendship, Tribe. He's very curious... I do not know if I will ever be what he thinks I will but... It's something to pass a little piece of eternity.

I am nervous though. People expect so much out of me but I have no tools. Timothy expects me to "fix" the Children of Haqim here. Jeremiah expects... Catherine expects me to keep her domain.  Lance expects... love? how can I love when i hurt so much? How can I care when no one cares for me? How can I trust when no one trusts me?

My own Sire will not talk to me... Why do I deserve anyone else to?

My Sire,

This is an unexpected trust. I do not know what has happened between you and Rishi...  I have been... becoming. It is hard to explain. I know that you would do everything you could for us. Perhaps explain to me what has happened... Maybe once I know I can help.

I did something that I do not think has helped my place here although it was for the good of the people. Ravenous lupines were bent on a full scale war and were going to attack the prince and the young kindred here and probably kill everything in their path. I.. I started a very large fire to ensure they would not continue this war... As I watched the flames spreading through the woods... something snapped within. No not snapped... ah these Gaje languages... I cannot think of how to express it. Not in french, or Arabic or any other language. It was a release. A return to a way of being. I found something there as well. I am alone... I feel it so intimately.

(small red smudge on the paper.. a tear?)

Oh my Sire, I dont know if I can explain it.. all my life I was surrounded. I had my mother, my father, my aunts and uncles. My brothers and baby sisters. My cousins. While I was at the Mountain I could pretend. While I was in France I was so bent on knowledge I could forget. But since the fire... My lonliness eats at me. Timothy cannot and will not listen to me. Cora is so young and so locked into denial about what she is. They do not want me or need me.

I do not think I have helped your mood. My deepest apologies... I... I will endeavor anything to help Rishi and yourself.

Your Childe Always,
Nadja Vadoma

A new Prince.... unsure how I feel about him.. but its in Stockton, I have chosen to focus on helping Timothy in Amador at this point..

I found something... A crystal ball.. Its interesting... It clouds out of the corner of my eye... yet I haven't been able to make it come through with an actual picture... I must spend time on this...

I also need to learn Gaelic, I found a book in a shop and while I think it will not give me what I was told it will I must still know for sure.

The prince of stockton has given us a voice but not a primogen... and we also hold keeper.. but it is the same person. Cora. Cora CAN do it but she thinks she can't. And as long as she does so she will fail.

Cody... I think it is a good thing Cody is leaving. He is too intrusive... too suspicious. He is watched carefully and not with a caring eye.

We have a new one... Aaron Orion. interesting name... We'll see what he holds...

I feel so bogged down. These politics... The blood-witches trying to experiment on Cora... I spoke with my sire on the matter and... now its some huge thing... No harm was done.. is it prudent to tip our hand and seek retribution? My sire has asked me to speak with Jieeda so I  will.

I spoke with Jeremiah again... He sees me as a lost puppy. I simply wait for the end of the world. Is that not enough?

the change in leadership... Oh I do hope it is not the Tremere.

Stockton again... My ghost again. I can’t mean anything… Not after so long. Not after his success as a “kindred”. Not after the wars he’s fought.

 

What does he want from me? Revenge? For what?

 

Perhaps he’s just toying with me. I’m just an amusement for him to pass the time. But he did want to talk. I owe his memory that much. Perhaps with a few words I could discern his motives.

 

I have thoughts on these other kindred in Stockton but… I must meditate on them… I’m not ready to decide.

 

I must also consult the charts about this strange astrological phenomenon. It does not bode well but it has some interesting interpretations.

I met my ghost. The face I refused to think about for so long. It was… It was. I am at once overjoyed to have Fate return him to my life and at the same time sad for my face causes him pain and confusion. I am frustrated that he thinks this is a plot to kill him but I have hope that I may prove that I am not a tool in an elaborate machination.

 

It breaks my heart to see him so tired, so angry. But I also wonder if he is manipulating me. He accused that I never cared for him. That I used him and threw him away. He at one time was my safe haven.

 

But he was right, I have changed. I find my uncertainty a trait I must think about. Perhaps I should continue these tiring excursions out to “gathering”.

 

Oh, this hateful cleansing… to wash his touch from my skin… Perhaps I can wait an hour… or maybe a day…

I have settled myself and gone out into “society”. It was barbaric. I do not know how to cope with these Kindred here. I am terrified of saying too much but they want to pull details out of me at every turn. I try to satisfy them without making them suspicious. I hope I can actually be of help here although my hands burn at every turn. These Western Kindred touch me and everything they see... grasping at knowledge that is not theirs. They are so close to just running wild. I must cleanse them from me.

 

To think the Blood-Witches speak for us in Stockton…. I must contain my Beast.

 

I think it may be time to confront the ghost.

I have stepped foot in America once again… I am unsure my purpose here, and though while I felt so strongly come here before I am riddled with doubt. For my age I am weak. My knowledges are few and my “people skills” are rusty.

 

Our place here I do not understand. The more I meditate the more uncertain I am. It seems this place is a test for me.